Working Mom Guilt

I was reading one of my favorite blogs this morning- Work, Wife, Mom, Life, and read her story about her daughter saying she worked too much. Absolutely sad and heart-wrenching. In the comments, there were a few moms that said they wanted to be stay-at-home moms, but couldn't. I totally understand these women. I used to be one of them.

Of course, I still am a woman who has to work — I bring absolutely necessary income into the family, and I'm carry the health insurance for our family. And there are a lot of things I miss/wish I could do with my kids during the day while I'm at work. For awhile, I dwelled on those things- story time at the library, play groups, leisurely mornings with the kids. I still miss those things, and especially the wonderful people I met when I was able to do them. But one day, about a year ago, I realized something. When I spend my time wishing I was home instead of at work, my kids feed on that negativity. They can sense when I'd rather not go to work, and they get sad too. 

When I tell them I am going to work, rather than "I have to go to work," it's a whole different attitude, especially with Anne Marie. She has lots of friends, and three days a week she gets to spend the whole day with them, playing, doing crafts and spending lots of time outside. When I drop off Thomas, he RUNS to the door of his room, then bursts in and puts on a little dancing show for his teacher. When I pick him up, he runs to me, saying, "mama, mama," but he isn't crying. He's happy when I drop him off, happy when I leave. Despite what we hear from commentators everywhere, the word daycare doesn't have to conjure up pictures of a dark, gloomy room with sad children. Sometimes, it's a bright sunny room with a loft or a slide, long kid-sized tables with constant access to crayons, paints and puzzles, giant tubs of toy trains and dress-up clothes, and a big playground with slides, grass, sandboxes and climbing toys and a pathway where trikes can be ridden. Sometimes it means trips to the museum or rodeo or to see a play. One of my stay-at-home mom friends said her son begged her to go to daycare for his birthday when he drove by and saw all the children having fun outside.

A positive attitude makes me a better mother, employee and wife. When I am at work, I am able to focus on my job, rather than dreaming about the things I have missed. When I am at home, I am able to appreciate the time I do have with my children, and enjoy gardening with them in the backyard, going for a hike or sitting down and coloring. Matt doesn't have to feel like he is making me or the kids unhappy because his one income isn't supporting all of us, because we are happy in our lives.

As mothers, we get tremendous amounts of guilt laid on us, much of it from other mothers. Those of us who work hear, "It must be so hard not to stay home," or "I could never leave my children." Those of us who stay home are constantly told that they must be the first to volunteer or make cookies because they "aren't busy all day." We're made to feel guilty if we enjoy our jobs, either in an office or at home.

Everyone is different, but in my life, I know I have been much happier and more fulfilled since I shed that guilt. I know I am doing what's best for my family. It's OK to enjoy what I do at work and to allow myself to see purpose in my job, rather than thinking of it only as a necessity. It's OK to miss my kids without feeling like a horrible mother. It's OK to work hard at work, but leave at 5 and not think about work again until the next day. It's even OK to leave at 3, or even take a sick day once in awhile to do something fun with your children. It's OK to leave the workforce for awhile if it's what you want, even if you have spent your adult life building that career. Our kids will be fine. We'll be fine.