Mean Girls

I came across this blog posting this morning. Not only was it wonderfully written, but it had a great point about how to create a kinder world.

For anyone who doesn't read it, the blogger talked about how as parents, when we let our kids to say no to playdates or birthday parties, simply because they would rather not play with a particular child, it can sometimes send a bad message. It talks about how it is our job to teach our children kindness towards others, and by helping them to socialize with other types of children, we are teaching them to live well in the world. She mentioned her daughter, who was shunned by her once-friends at school in a pretty classic girl-bullying situation. In the comments, there were many stories from adults who remembered inviting the entire class to a birthday party and had no one show up. To me, it's heartbreaking.

We want to give our children choices and freedom, and for the most part, that's a good thing. I give Anne Marie clothing choices. I let her pick the vegetable we have for dinner each night. She can choose who she wants to invite to her birthday party, but she can't choose not to be compassionate. To quote one my favorite parts of the blog:

... don't make it seem like rejecting another child's friendly overtures is some sort of noble or enlightened choice. It's not. It's mean and selfish. Unless there are safety issues, it's a way to send a message to your child that you don't have to care about anyone unless it's an easy thing for you to do.

My kids don't have to like everyone, but I hope they always know to be compassionate and respectful to everyone.
Children can be cruel to each other, and many times, it can be for no reason other than the wrong hair color or a strange shirt. Even at 3, Anne Marie was completely devastated when another little girl at daycare told her, "I'm not your friend anymore." She talked about it for days. According to her teacher, she was heartbroken, and sobbed when it happened.

Luckily, at 3, these things blow over — the girl said she was sorry and gave Anne Marie a hug, and things were better, at least a little bit. And I've heard Anne Marie turn a girl down who asked, "Will you be my best friend today?" The girl, unfazed, said, "Well, then will you be my best friend when we go outside?" Anne Marie said, "Sure."

But as my children grow, I know there will be other times, and probably some times when they are the ones who choose to be unkind. We all have moments like that, and most of us regret them.

There are plenty of things I want to teach my children, but the most important is empathy. It's not necessarily innate for a child to think of how another child feels before acting. It's something we have to teach them. And if everyone took a moment to consider others before opening their mouths, I think our whole society might be a bit kinder.